Ever realized how physical boundaries like lanes and walls help people stay out of harm’s way and stay safe? What would happen if these boundaries are broken or not followed?

To begin with, people would end up where they are not supposed to go. As a result, everyone would get hurt!

Likewise, if you are standing in a line and the person behind you bumps into you and doesn’t apologize. How would you feel? Confused and angry! Right?

Firstly, let us first understand what are emotional boundaries in order to understand why they are broken by people!

What are Emotional Boundaries and what Do they Do?

An emotional boundary is just like a physical boundary. It’s a line drawn by you, a limit defined by you, within which you feel safe. It is an inner, personal space that allows you to operate in relationships and in life according to your values, wishes and comfort level.

This boundary or limit helps you protect yourself from getting exploited and getting your personal energy over extended.

Emotional boundaries work in the same way as physical boundaries. They help us preserve our sanity and dignity. They help us deal with others in a respectful manner, even when they are, knowingly or unknowingly, trespassing the drawn boundaries.

Why Do We Need Emotional Boundaries?

Why do we need emotional boundaries? More importantly, why do we need to establish emotional boundaries from our loved ones, our family and friends? They are our allies after all! They are on our sides!

Why Our Loved Ones Try to Toe the Line?

Let us admit that people, even our loved ones, can be overbearing. They claim that they act out of love and concern for us when they interrupt and intervene in matters personal to us!

Unquestionably, this claim of your loved ones is valid. However, what they don’t realize that we are our own persons. Also, we have our own likes, dislikes and personal limitations.

Moreover, we have our own pace of learning and self-growth. Furthermore, we have our own emotional frequency, even when we are operating at the same wavelength as that of our loved ones.

When people try to break boundaries, it is partially our own fault! How? We may never have established clear emotional boundaries. Or if we have done that, maybe, we haven’t communicated them clearly to our loved ones. As a result, when we tell them off, they feel hurt and disrespected.

Remember, these emotional competence are not taught at school or by our parents! We learn them on our own, through trials and errors! If you haven’t done this yet, here are a few strategies to create and reinforce boundaries.

How to Create Healthy Boundaries

Reflect on your past and present and take a log of events involving your near and dear ones (family and friends) that have upset you in some way. Next, try to establish the ‘why’ of the emotion. For instance:

• Are you sensitive about some areas of your life.
•  Do you have a hard time dealing with certain emotions?
• More importantly, which things are those you find hard to compromise upon? For instance, It can be something as trivial as where you place your shoes or something as critical as hearing comments related to your appearance. Create a list and add and delete things as you go! Consequently, you would end up with a list of things you are cool with or not cool with! This list demarcates your emotional boundaries. Moreover, it is a blueprint of your emotional health!
• Finally, you have to communicate the parameter of these emotional boundaries to your loved ones gradually. So how do you go about? Call a meeting? Certainly not! You outline and iterate your boundaries to them through your interaction with them, your communication and behavior. The sooner you do it and how effectively you do it would determine your success in relationships.

How to Reinforce Boundaries

Do understand that even if you establish your boundaries and communicate it to your loved ones, they would still try to test the limits and stretch these boundaries time and again! Why? It’s hard for people, everyone, even us, to let go of a set of behavior or an assumption!

They think they have our best interest at heart (which they do!). But we need to tell them that we have our own likes and dislikes and growth pattern, and we own our lives and fates.

Here are a few examples of creating emotional boundaries:

I would appreciate if you don’t do this!

I am touched that you are asking but I am not ready to share things right now! Whenever I am ready, you would be the first person I would talk to!

I need my space!

Let’s agree to disagree!

You need to understand that this is a painful subject for me!

That’s why the next time people push the wrong buttons, try to stretch the defined boundaries again and again!

Don’t get angry!

Don’t pick a fight! Just push back gently.

Next, they impinge your boundary and push you again! You push them back yet again, as a response! Repeat as many times as it is needed! What would be the result?

It would take people, even our loved ones, even the best of us, to learn things about each other! But eventually, if we happen to be mature and understanding, if we truly value one another, it would happen!We do learn to respect each other’s boundary!

However, for someone who loves you but still doesn’t get it, who still keeps repeating a negative behavior pattern, the best thing for you to shut that person out, put him or her on hold, take a momentary break or a permanent one, if needed.

The Take-Aways

Establishing, enforcing and reinforcing personal and emotional boundaries with our loved ones help us protect our emotional energy and improve the quality of our bond. It helps each of us grow at personal levels and improve the quality of our relationships.

Let’s Talk

Do you struggle with setting emotional boundaries with your near and dear ones? In which aspects? Or, you have been successfully able to set your boundaries with them. Can you share a few tips? Let’s get buzzing!