This week’s WorthWorkin4Wednesday blog talks about friends or family members who are emotional dumpers and treat you like their emotional trash can.
I could see that Sam was calling me frantically, but I was unable to find the mental and emotional energy to deal with her, and her problems, today. I had impending deadlines and a pile of chores vying my attention. I couldn’t afford to be the victim of her toxic venting as usual.
Yet I felt selfish ignoring Sam’s call and I picked up on the 3rd ring. And one can very well guess what happened: I had to hear Sam rant for a good hour or two about her boyfriend’s antics, her migraine, the blunder at work, the weather and the unfairness of life. By the end of her call, I was too drained out to work or carry out my tasks. My entire day got wasted it seemed and I was frustrated!
It was neither the first time nor she was the only person to treat me like an emotional dumpster. With certain people, conversations are a one-way street. They would only like to talk about themselves only and their own problems. There are certain friends or family members who only get in touch with you to unburden themselves. Naturally, a single call from them or a visit from whom can make your day or ruin it. Even though we don’t like being emotional dumpsters to others all the time, we mostly lack the social skills to deal with such people tactfully and protect our energies and time.
7 Tell-Tale Traits of Emotional Dumpers
Here are some of the signs of emotional dumping:
- Emotional dumpers and unloaders are least bit interested in your problems, how you might be feeling or what you might be going through.
- Their conversations are one-sided. Everything has to be about them.
- They are always exaggerating their problems.
- The person dominates or monopolizes the conversation by only talking about him or herself.
- The emotional dumper either gives you no room to discuss your feelings or cuts you off in the middle when you do.
- The person ignores your input because all they want is to ventilate and are not looking for genuine advice or a practical solution.
- An emotional dumper only calls you when they have an issue and want to ventilate. When things are going well with them, they would disappear.
Likewise, if you recognize these tendencies in yourself, then you need to develop self-awareness and reform your ways.
How Friends Who are Emotional Dumper Negatively Impact You
If you are unable to recognize these emotional dumping traits, you would find yourself cornered and used by an emotional dumper as their personal garbage can or dumpster. You would find yourself listening to their unending tales of woe and rue, at the cost of your own mental health and productivity.
It’s not that you are naïve enough not to understand their intention. But you just don’t want to be that person: selfish and mean! You don’t want to be rude. Above all, you may understand how emotional unavailability, loneliness and lack of understanding look like and make a person feel.
But it also means you end up carrying the deadweight of others’ problems, issues and emotions. Your interaction with such a person leaves you feeling emotionally exhausted and mentally worn out. You may find yourself catching on and carrying on their negative energy in your day. Consequently, you end up feeling exhausted, lagging behind on your goals, depleting your energy and productivity.
How to Deal with Emotional Dumpers
If you are an empathetic and polite person, with an unwavering sense of loyalty, dealing effectively with emotional dumpers can be next to impossible. You need to be tactful but also somewhat direct. Here are a few suggestions:
Make Them Aware
People who have the tendency to be emotional dumpers might not always be completely selfish or self-centered. They may not be even aware that they have a personality flaw, a toxic trait, thus impacting their outlook in life and eventually their relationships.
If your emotional unloader friend is mature and reasonable, and you really care about him/her, try telling him/her how:
- ‘Uncool’ it is to always rant and cry.
- A reciprocal, two-way conversation may look like. Give examples.
- How you are feeling at that given moment or give an insight into your own problems to help them understand that you are or can get overwhelmed.
Let the person ventilate for a while then ask them for possible solutions to their problem. Emotional dumpers are often ‘stuck’ in their misery cycle and victim mentality and need a nudge, some (or a lot of) help from others to get unstuck. The need for and assurance of ‘unconditional support’ is quite problematic. It stops a loved one from developing a resilient mindset and coping skills and mechanisms.
Establish Boundaries
People who lack self-awareness also lack the insight into how their negativity or problem may impact the listener in a negative way. So, it’s perfectly OK to let people know how you feel. Chances are that they would try to impinge the boundaries again. It’s OK too! You need to gently reinforce the boundaries again and again. It takes time and certain effort for respectful boundaries to get established.
There is nothing such as ‘unconditional support’. You need to make an emotional dumper friend that your time and mental peace matters. Therefore, it’s OK not to attend all calls or hang up after a few minutes. If they call at an inconvenient hour or if they are taking too much time, let them know that you are busy and will catch up with them later. Schedule a 20 minute time slot in your day or week to listen to them. Similarly, if some one’s pain and negativity is impacting you and your mental health in a negative way, let them know that.
Source: Lize Summers@Pexels
Suggest Therapy
A lot of times people are going through genuine problems without any solution. They need and deserve a sympathetic ear and empathy. However, others might be just chronic and habitual ranters. Whatever might be the issue or personality type, if you find yourself unequipped and incapable of dealing with a friend or family member unloading to you excessively, then suggest the person to get some counseling or therapy. A counselor or therapist is qualified enough to not only listen to a person’s issues but also equip him/her with mindful and empowering coping techniques and hacks to help themselves.
Deal with the ‘What If They get Offended’ or ‘Walk Away’ Fears
If your emotional dumper friends turn hostile or offensive due to your approach, give them the space and time to reflect. If they truly value you, they would value your advice as well and act on it. However, if they choose to cut off ties with you then let it be good riddance and problem solved. They were never worth the time.
To Sum Up
Friendship means being available for someone and support them wholesomely through their struggles and trials. However, this care and consideration from others should never be taken as an invitation to see and use others as emotional trash cans. A friendship or relationship with this kind of an imbalance is more of a burden rather than a support. If you have a friend or family member or a coworker who is an emotional dumper, then it’s essential for you establish boundaries and reclaim your energy and time. You would be able to become more productive, calm and mentally present when you are able to recognize which things and people are acting like energy sink holes in your life and fix the drains.
