Emotional bypassing is a survival tactic that helps us deal with trauma. It prevents us from breaking down during tough times and helps us stay functional. While this tactic can be very useful in the short run, it can negatively impact our emotional and physical health and well-being in the long run. Here is why:

How Does Trauma Lead to Emotional Bypassing

Whenever we go through some sad, negative, heartbreaking experience, such as surviving abuse or a toxic relationship, assault, death of a near and dear one, loss of love or friendship, job or money crisis, serious health issues, etc, we experience intense emotional turmoil and pain.

 This emotional and physical turmoil changes the way we see life and function in it. We undergo a life altering change in our personalities and we evolve in order to survive and push ourselves forward. This evolution and adaptation is called emotional bypassing. Often enough, here is how emotional bypassing manifests itself:

• We start experiencing an emotional disconnection from others.
• We stop enjoying things that we normally used to.
• We start questioning everything and everyone around us.
• We keep wondering when life would get back to the normal, be better, if ever so.

How Our Surroundings Create Emotional Bypassing for People

The demands of life and living are such that they don’t allow us to take a pause, even when direly needed, and take out the time necessary for rest and healing. Blame it on the “fake it till you make it” culture! Likewise, our society and religion are also enablers of emotional bypassing.

Furthermore, another type of bypassing is of the spiritual kind. It is usually about our faith in God and religion. It is even worst because we feel that our faith doesn’t allow us to wallow in misery for too long. Or that we should deny our pain because God or our faith is enough to carry us through anything. We even think that by dwelling on something negative and painful too long, we are being ungrateful.

This bravado can be a good thing, as these obligations prevent us from shutting altogether and grieving for too long. But it can be a bad thing also, as the demands to be and stay normal, sane and functional are premature, unreasonable and relentless.

We tell ourselves that we are OK! We don’t need to take a break or rest. And we can continue functioning like we had before. We start living up to others’ expectations rather than to our emotional needs of rest and respite, which is a denial of who we intrinsically are and what we need.

These are the kind of things we hear from people, our family, friends, employers, etc. But we are our own worst critics. We repeat these things as well. Because we also feel guilty about feeling down and dysfunctional for too long. As a result, we try to deny our feelings’ intensity, our emotional needs and the time and support structure required for finding closure and healing.

What Does Emotional Bypassing Sound Like

Here is what emotional bypassing often sound like:

You are still thinking about that?

It’s been too long? You should be OK by now!

It’s nothing new! Everyone goes through it.

You’ve to keep it together for your children’s sake.

You can’t afford to breakdown. You must keep it together.

It’s time to move past this and start feeling normal again!

When would you start acting normal?

Repercussions of Emotional and Spiritual Bypassing

Beyond a certain point, emotional and spiritual bypassing starts hurting you and your health. We feel immense feelings of sadness, emotional pain, even physical discomfort, such as outbursts of crying, abdominal pain, headaches and sleeplessness. Many people start experiencing panic attacks, anxiety, depression and even suicidal tendencies.

How to Stop Yourself from Emotional Bypassing

It’s very hard to unlearn our conditioning, but it’s only us who can start the journey of the healing of our inner selves. Here are some of the things to remember and practice:

Explore an Emotion

Don’t bypass a negative emotion or experience, just because it feels uncomfortable. If you feel angry, sad, hurt, etc., at the moment, ask yourself first why you feel this why. Second, allow yourself to explore that feeling for a while, rather than trying to brush it under the carpet. Tell yourself:

• I am feeling___ today because ____. I really want to experience what it feels like.
• It’s OK and perfectly normal to feel _____ .
• I am not afraid to feel _________.
• What do I need to do or have to feel better?

Take a Stand for Yourself

Remember, no one else would allow you to take a break because not many care about your mental and physical well-being more than you. So, you have to be the one to initiate the change!

The self-absorbed family members, friends, spouse, bosses, etc, don’t want us to take a break because this means they have to pick up the slack. They don’t want us to encourage us to talk about our feelings and harrowing experiences, as it makes them uncomfortable. That’s why it is important to get therapy, counseling sessions. Talk to an expert!

Give Yourself the Time and Space to Heal

People put a timeline to everything. They have expectations as to how much time you need to deal with something. We are expected to show up for work and in our lives, irrespective of how we feel inside. So, give yourself time and allow yourself to heal. This means:

• If you can’t push yourself out of the bed, stay there for a few more hours.
• If you need a few days off from work, take them, even if they are unpaid.
• If you need two quiet hours, away from your children, hand them a smartphone and go lie down on the sofa.
• If you don’t feel like talking, switch off your phone.

But don’t let your break be the hatchback to the spiraling bottomless pit of misery and depression. Thus, don’t forget to set your own timeline for healing. This means deciding whether you need an hour or two, a day, a few months, or even a year to heal and be yourself again.

Good to Go Through: Giving Myself the Permission to Be!

The Takeaways

Emotional bypassing is a survival tactic that helps us deal with trauma. But too much of emotional bypassing negatively impact our emotional and physical health. Our emotions are real and sacred. They hold the key to our well-being and authentic self. Rather than dismissing them, deal with them in a healthy way, i.e., by exploring the emotion, taking a stand for yourself, and giving yourself the time and space to heal.