If you are in a relationship and you keep mentioning your ex boyfriend in front of your current boyfriend, even not in a wistful way, how would he feel?

Obviously, the constant reminders from the past or comparison with the present won’t sit well with the other person, would it! This Thoughtful Thursday post invites you to reexamine the impact of your past on your present.

So, just like it’s not a good thing to keep rattling up your past in front of others, staying stuck in the past is also not good for your mental health, self-esteem, productivity and progress.  

All of us have a strong affiliation with the past.

All of us have gotten hurt by others in the past.

 All of us have committed mistakes in the past.

All of us have had to live with the consequences of these mistakes.

Thus, in a way, our present self is a product of the past. But you have to make sure that your present self is a better version of you.

Nevertheless, we all change and we grow, if we choose to do so! If we allow the grip of the past loosen on ourselves.

Have you thought that we tend to forgive others more easily than we forgive ourselves.

We keep berating ourselves for our past mistakes.

Learning to forgive ourselves is essential for moving on, moving forward in life!

In order to progress in life, you have to come to terms with your past and move on. Here are three actionable steps you can take to come to terms with your past and help it transform your present: 

Recognize the Kind of Hold the Past Has on You

All of us have lived through things that have been difficult to deal with, painful, even devastating.

They have caused us considerable stress! They have made us go through strong emotions like pain, disappointment, resentment, anger!

A relationship ended up in a breakup instead of the happy ever after.

A dream job turned out to be the exact opposite.

A collaboration didn’t work how you hoped it to be.

As a result, you hang on to anger, bitterness, resentment, the longing.

Through the act of living and re-living your memories, you try to push yourself for all the wrong decisions and the mistakes you made, the unfairness of things!

All these things have happened in the past, yet you keep playing and re-playing the events, the actual outcome and the alternate scenarios again and again in your mind, saying out things that you couldn’t say at that time.

But you can’t go back in the past and change any of what has happened.

Credit: Liza Summer@Pexels

Thus, what’s significant is that whenever we recall the past memories in the present, they still have the power to evoke strong emotions in us.

We almost end up experiencing the same negative emotions of disappointment, resentment, anger all over again!

How many times it has happened to you that you are working on something very important, and suddenly, you experience a trigger. You are then made to recall a memory in the past that upsets you and make you go through all the painful emotions yet again. As a result, you end up losing your focus and end up wasting your precious time.

So holding on to something very painful in the past is like staying stuck in the past. Most of the time, we lack the strength and conviction to move on from the past!  But the act of letting go of the past allows us to reclaim our present and start living in it, the here and now, to the fullest!

Therapies that can help You heal from the Trauma of Your Past

The past has a strong hold on us – it has the capacity to impact our moods, our mental state and our productivity! Healing from past trauma is a complex journey, and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. However, there are several types of therapy that have been shown to be effective in helping individuals heal from trauma:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT focuses on identifying and changing negative thought patterns and behaviors. It can help you understand how your thoughts and beliefs about the trauma influence your feelings and behaviors.

2. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

EMDR is a therapy specifically designed to help individuals process traumatic memories. It involves recalling distressing experiences while simultaneously focusing on external stimuli, such as hand tapping or eye movements, to help desensitize the emotional intensity of the memories.

3. Trauma-focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT)

 TF-CBT is a type of CBT specifically adapted to address the needs of individuals who have experienced trauma. It incorporates techniques to help process traumatic memories and develop coping skills.

4. Mindfulness-based Therapies

Practices such as mindfulness meditation can help individuals increase their awareness of their thoughts and emotions without judgment, which can be helpful in managing trauma-related symptoms.

5. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT)

 DBT combines cognitive-behavioral techniques with mindfulness practices. It can help individuals learn to regulate their emotions, tolerate distress, and improve interpersonal relationships.

6. Somatic Experiencing

This approach focuses on the connection between the mind and body and aims to release the physical tension and sensations associated with trauma.

7. Psychodynamic Therapy

Psychodynamic therapy explores how past experiences, including trauma, influence current thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It can help individuals gain insight into unconscious patterns and unresolved conflicts.

8. Group Therapy

 Participating in a therapy group with others who have experienced similar trauma can provide you the support, validation, and a sense of belonging. Group therapy can also offer opportunities for social skills practice and interpersonal learning.

It’s essential to work with a qualified therapist who can tailor the approach to your specific needs and preferences.

Turn Your Past into Stories

Life is a constant process of letting go: Things, people, emotions that no longer serve a purpose in your life. Hanging on to things that no longer serve a purpose in your life only disturb your mental peace.

The painful memories of our past are an integral part of our personality. Thus, they have the power to impact us negatively in the present.  But once we learn the way to transform this emotional baggage into powerful, heartbreaking yet beautiful stories, only then we are able to transform the pain of our past into a formidable power.

Moreover, stories have cathartic power. They are meant to be not just recalled, but shared with others. Together, through the act of sharing and reflecting, we transform our stories into life lessons. These life lessons, in turn, help us heal from trauma of the past.

 They are a testament that we have struggled against something monumental and that we have survived. Above all, stories offer hope to us and others to do the same.  

Image credit: Kindel Media@Pexels

Focus on Your Progress

A painful past impacts our mental outlook and productivity in different ways. You can say that people choose to deal with pain in different ways:

For some of us, the tendency to stay stuck in the past can stop you from staying focused and making progress. Meanwhile, a few of us like to throw ourselves wholly solely into our work to distract ourselves from painful memories. Thus, work serves for the latter as a form of escape.  

But overworking ourselves just to avoid pain is a sign of toxic productivity. Taking onboard relentless stress would eventually impact your mental and physical capacities and compound your issues.

Another thing that adds to the misery of the past is to compare yourself with the people you have known in the past. You may stalk them online and see them thriving and settled in terms of careers and relationships, and it would make you feel worst.

Remember, people choose to present on social media platforms only their thriving, picture perfect moments. You don’t see their internal, dark struggles and they don’t see yours.

Thus, it is important to address and confront your pain, rather than run from it. You need to focus on your internal healing in order make real progress in life and not just stay busy.Remember, “progress = happiness”.

To Sum Up

 Remember that healing from the trauma of an unhappy past takes time, patience, and commitment, but with the right support and resources, it is possible to regain a sense of safety, trust, and well-being.